Mean Bean and Associates
by EbbyGothic
Summary: It's just a normal day in South Park, except there's a coffee crisis. After finding out the boys believe this is a job for their super hero alter egos; under the rule of the not so confident Mean Bean. As well as being assisted by the sarcastic villain, Tea-Vi and the thought hearing, Incognita. Will the coffee-pocalypse ever end, giving our hero Mean Bean his sweet fix?


A/N – Hey peepz, here's the newest offering from your favourite team of writers. (Hopefully we are, but if not well blegh, it doesn't matter really.) This one took longer than any other but we made it. WHOO! So enjoy and leave us ideas on what you'd like to see as the topic of one of these one shots, possible shippings in the fics and anything else you think we should know. As per usual I'm gonna STFU and wish you the best.

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Butter's POV –

"Fellas, fellas, the adults are acting weird!" I shouted as I spirited toward Starks pond where the people I considered my friends were hanging out today.

Vi and Kenna were heading back to Canada tomorrow to attempt to get their parents to relocate to South Park where they'd built relationships. The girls had said their parents could agree to move or let one of the local families adopt them. I guess they really hated their parents.

"What the fuck are you talking about Butt-pirate." Cartman said, making a pun on my name. I smiled airily.

"The adults, they're all walking around sluggishly, staring into space blankly, groaning like…like. Oh my…oh lord…oh hamburgers. Could the be…Like they were…" I began to ramble. Cartman stood up and walked over to me and slapped me across the face.

"Spit it out retard." He ordered. I cringed and sat on the cold snow covered ground holding back my tears.

"Leave him alone you fat fuck." Vi shouted. Cartman folded his arms and glared at her.

"Or you'll what, flip top head?" He teased.

"Or I'll kick you in the balls so hard you'll cough up semen." Vi shot back not willing to back down despite the fact she'd become a pancake if Cartman sat on her.

Cartman walked back to his original place mumbling to himself. Since the girls had been here Cartman had been losing a lot of battles, even more than he did to Kyle when they quarreld. Vi pounced up from the log she'd been sitting on and came over helping me up.

"Finish what you were saying." She said softly, soothingly. Gee, she was pretty.

"It's kinda like they're zombies guys." I stated a little more confident with Vi by my side.

"Uhhhh…Yeah man…It's like because all the coffee trucks haven't made their deliveries! I'm having fucking withdrawals... Like it's fucked up, man!" Tweek explained as he ran his fingers through his messy blonde locks viciously tugging on them. I cringed at his actions. Damn, that would've hurt.

"So it's the Coffee-pocalyse?" Kenna added. Kenny chuckled at her lame wording. Those two had been weird since the games. Close and solitary, often not uttering a word except to each other.

"I guess so." I murmured. Kyle stood up and grinned.

"I think this is a job for our alter egos." He announced. Nods and soft whispers sounded around us.

"That is if we have the support of The Coon and Professor Chaos." Stan added.

I nodded.

"I accept your invitation, I shall abandon my plans for world domination and join the side of good to fight the coffee-pocalypse." I roared in my deep voice as I placed my hands upon my hips where my utility belt usually sat when I was in villain mode.

All eyes turned to Cartman who wasn't paying attention. He turned to everyone and smirked.

"What? You buttholes want my help?" He questioned.

"Well yeah dude." Token said.

"After last time you expect me to come crawling back, fuck off. The Coon is a solo act." He announced.

People began standing up and walking off.

"Fine, fine I'll come back! You all need a leader anyway. Coon and friends reunited in the face of danger." Cartman said smugly, causing everyone to turn back toward him.

"No dude…" Clyde stated. Cartmans eyebrows furrowed.

"What?!" He growled.

"No, you're not the leader. Tweek is the coffee expert. He'll be our leader." Stan said. Cartman glared trying to stare us all down.

"You're kidding right?" Cartman inquired. The other kids all sported confused looks.

"No we're not, we all united in the face of crisis under a new leader…wait, what's your name going to be Tweek?" Kyle said turning toward the nervous jittery blonde.

"Well it could be the Mean Bean…but fuck it, too much pressure." Tweek ranted. The consensus cheered.

"To Tweek the Mean Bean." We cheered. Cartman scoffed.

"More like String Bean, fuck this is a disaster in the making." He laughed.

The other kids turned to leave.

'Hey, where you going?" Cartman shrieked.

"Away, we gotta help Tweek, Vi and Kenna find costumes." Token explained. Cartman began to chuck a fit but no one cared.

"Listen Cartman, play or don't know one gives a fuck." I said strolling off to catch up with the crowd.

I caught up and smiled at Vi.

"Can I help you with your costume, powers and name?" I asked. She smiled a dazzling, kind smile her green eyes glistening.

"Yeah sure." She said still following the others.

Vi's POV –

Another day in South Park, and another goddamn adventure. As much as I enjoyed meeting the boys in real life, my fingers were itching to try out some new ship's as soon as I got home. Sitting on Butters bed as I waited for him to return gave me some thinking room.

"Mmm okay, if I put Kyle with Clyde that could be cool, oh, or maybe Cartman with Criag. Ah, Criagman, two doms, both violent, it would be the most scarring ship in the world, in the-"

"Ugh Vi? What are you doing?" Butters asked nervously, knocking his knuckles together as he appeared at the door.

I blinked, "okay Butters, hear me out. What if Cartman and Criag became...a thing."

Butters blanched, "are you sure you don't wanna be a bad guy, Vi? Bad guys can have real scary thoughts like mean ol' Criag doing weird sexual things with Eric and it'd be ok."

My lips pursed, "Craigman's coming, you just wait. But sure, I can go for being a bad guy, what ideas do you have for me Professor?"

"Oh golly, ok, well I was thinkin, you've been real nice to me so I wanted your alter ego to be just as nice as you are but fierce and strong too." His eyes shimmer and I felt a smile appear on my face.

"That's so sweet Butters."

"That's why I thought you could be my Bottom Bitch."

I blinked. "What."

Butters nodded, "yea, you can be my bitch, and when we go into battle you can use your power of dirty thoughts to stun the enemy and make 'em real sick and wanna hurt themselves."

"Butters no, I mean, at least tell me you have another idea."

"Oh..ugh, maybe the...what about the Big V, and when the baddies come running, they'll be like, we want the V! Everyone wants to get some V."

I smirked, "the Big V. I'm not sure which is better actually, but I don't think either is my cup of tea, and I usually like tea."

"Oh, oh, what about TeaVi? I got the perfect costume!" Butters dove towards his closet and pulled out a roll of tinfoil, and started wrapping it around my torso. He trapped one of my hands, and used the roll around my arm, so it looked like I was permanently giving a sassy stance. It looked like a one armed metal dress.

He went back and grabbed some plastic bags, and tied one around each wrist. I had to ask, "and this is for?"

"When you want to tea bag someone you gotta have a bag!"

I muttered into my hand as I sighed, tea bagging...was not something...ah fuck it.

"Great idea, Butters. What other powers do I have?" I wondered.

Butters laughed evilly before grabbing the figurative holy grail from his closet; "it's a bottle of Xanax."

My eyes lit up, "dude where did you get that beauty?"

"My old therapist thought I was crazy, so he gave me these. I figure that tea makes you sleepy, and when I took these pills I sure felt tired!" Butters tossed it to me.

I nodded and gave him a thumbs up, "just one more thing." I added, ripping a tear in my tinfoil dress so I could move a little better, "now I'm good. I'm gonna have a field day spiking drinks, Butters you have impressed me."

The boy gave a bashful smile, "aw shucks."

Kenna's POV –

Butters and Vi headed in one direction, Tweek went off with the guys and I was again left with Kenny. I knew a few of the other guys wanted to get to know me better; but what did they expect they were constantly leaving us alone together. Kenny and I went back to his place to change. He walked out dressed in grey tights, a shirt with a question mark motif, a utility belt, flowing dark cape and a mask.

"I am Mysterion." He stated. I laughed not meaning to offend, quickly placing my hand over my grin.

"You look cute." I answered, he smirked.

"What do you think of me?" I asked. Kenny blushed.

"The costume right?" He questioned. I nodded.

"Of course." I replied my head titled in confusion.

He stared at me taking in the sight of me standing before in dressed in black tights, a black tank with a red bra over the top, knee high stripper boots and a beanie with eye holes cut in it concealing my face. He nodded in approval.

"What's your name and story? He quizzed. I smirked.

"I'm Incognita, I have a form of telepathy and I can locate lost items. I use my powers for good as any hero would. Other than that I'm a skilled fighter and like to wield one of these." I informed him holding up a battle axe. Kenny smiled.

"Good back story K, and I see your passion for sharp and shiny shit continues to shine." He teased. I nodded. I swallowed hard.

"I've loved the shine of a blade as long as I can remember" I confessed. Kenny nodded.

"Right, let's get going to the secret headquarters." He announced grabbing my hand and dragging me off.

I stopped staring at Kenny, I had a lot of question for him about stuff that had been going on lately but now wasn't the time. I moved off trailing behind him being dragged my arms feeling like he was about to tear it from it's socket.

Kennys POV –

We entered the Coon and friends HQ, also known as Cartmans basement. We saw the guys crowded around the table. Kenna and I approached taking two empty seats.

"Welcome back Mysterion." Cartman greeted as he sat at the head of the table.

"Oh…I see you decided to play you fat fuck." I replied. Cartman grimaced grinding his teeth.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that because you're a valuable part of this organization." Cartman stated. I shrugged.

I became engrossed in conversations around the table as we waiting for the others to arrive.

Within five minutes Vi and Butters entered taking the two seats across from me and then Tweek entered.

Cartman cleared his throat.

"Newcomers please tell us about yourself; name, alignment and powers?" He asked.

Vi and Butters stood up and stared into the faces surrounding them.

"I proudly present my sidekick TeaVi." Butters stated. Kenna climbed to her feet and slammed a fist on the table.

"Fuck Vi, you chose the side of evil." She snapped. Butters sat down scared, girls yelling intimidated him. Some evil force he was.

"Well at least I don't look like a bank robbing dominatrix." Vi shot back.

Vi eyed Kenna and smirked. I sighed deeply as I knew it was on. An argument was brewing; the two often had little spats which never last long and usually ended after five minutes of tension with them laughing. Those two girls could wreak havoc upon and room and they wouldn't give a damn who witnessed it.

Cartman's POV –

Gritting my teeth, I stared at my two new enemies. Constantly I was undermined by their petty comments and melodramatic fights. And the worst was the sense of interest these butt fuckers had taken to them. Looking at the people in my basement, and the chattering that had broken out, it was time to claw my way to the top again.

I listened idly as that bitch Kenny 2.0 talked about being Incognita, and being able to find things with her mind. I had half a nerve to ask her if that was just code for finding men's fuck parts.

Tweek flashed a shy smile, and gestured to his attire. He was in a faggy Cowboy hat and even had matching boots and a utility belt which carried two toy guns.

"Alright, listen up! The Coon has a game plan to face the Coffee-pocalypse!" I smirked as I stood up. All eyes were on me, as they rightfully should have been.

Stan rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Cartman we said your not the leader this time!"

My jaw clenched.

Kyle nodded, "we even talked about this before you decided to play, fat for brains!"

"It's my basement, and my secret head quarters." I whined, thoughts of destruction of the jew and his fuck buddy crossing my mind. At the right moment I would turn, and turn I would. And they would regret it.

"Regret it!" I hissed, causing Timmy to wheel away from me.

Tweek stood up and his usual platonic attitude shifted into something else. Something darker.

He moved towards me and grabbed hold of my special marker and started drawing on the white board behind me.

"Okay, agh, so as of seventy two hours ago the delivery trucks of fresh cuban beans hasn't been able to cross into Denver. This shit hole town is fucking hell on earth without coffee! We need to get it back!" Tweek drew a quick topographic map, and circled the south border, "trucks have been stalled here, and can't gain access into the state from New Mexico. I say we go down there, fuck those bastards up, steal back the coffee beans so I can stop drinking this decaf shit ugh, fuck, I can't-"

Butters reached over and slapped Tweek, breaking him from his freak out.

"Dude, ow!" Tweek hissed.

"What! Eric did the same thing to me!" he blinked in confusion.

I growled and pushed Tweek back, "alright kid, sit down before you medium roast your brain. We should send half our forces towards the South boarders to see about these trucks, and half of us head to town and make sure none of these coff-bies lose their shit."

Tweek shoved me and started assembling teams.

"Human Kite, Coon, Incognita, Mysterion, Tupperwear, and Mosquito will be heading towards New Mexico to deal with the problems there."

I growled, "then that means Bean Stalk, TV, Butt Licker, Iron Maid, and The Walking Tool can head towards town and talk to the mayor."

Kyle growled, "dude how the fucks the mayor gonna help?"

Tweek bud in, "not the South Park Mayor, but the mayor of Denver."

I cracked my knuckles, "I'm talking about Hancock."

Kenny and Kenna burst into a fit of laughter, those stupid fucking wannabe Jews.

Kenna's POV –

"Did fat boy just say hand-cock?" I childishly whispered to Kenny. He chuckled and the whole table staring toward us. I nodded maturely.

"Good plan Mean Bean; it's a privilege to fight beside you." I said still stifling my sniggers.

Everyone stood up and broke into their teams. We trecked up the stairs and through Cartmans house momentarily begin stopped by his mom to be offered a snack which we politely rejected.

"She seems nice." I announced walking fast to keep up with the guys. Except the the Coon who had fallen behind a little. Kyle laughed and nudged Clyde.

"You hear that?" He chortled. Clyde nodded.

"She may seem nice but she's really just…" Kyle began. I stared at him waiting to hear what he had to say.

"Don't you fucking say it Kyle, or you'll end up in Jew hell. I swear to fucking all that is unholy and foul I am not in the mood today." Cartman whined. I laughed.

"So what about his mom?" I questioned as we stood on the side of the road. Kenny standing with his thumb out waiting for a lift.

"She's a cum sucking, penis fly trap. She's been down on everything but the Titanic and no we're not kidding." Kenny explained not looking away from the passing cars. I began laughing loud and obnoxiously as Cartman began to flip his shit.

"My mom is not a whore. She's a liberated woman, and I love my mom. You're all jealous your moms suck balls compared to mine." He ranted, his face red like he was about to combust.

A trucked pull up beside us and the man with the moustached looked out smiling creepily.

"Where you kids looking to go?" He asked.

"We're on urgent business, we gotta get to New Mexico." Token explained his voice slightly muffled by his costume. The man nodded.

"I'm headed that way get in." He stated.

The guys piled in the back seat of the old dusty pickup truck. My eyes searched for room with no luck. It was plant on one of the guys laps or climb in the tray. I smiled up wickedly at Cartman.

"Coon, be a doll and boost me up." I announced. Cartman sighed loudly offering me his hand. He reefed me up and I landed in his lap.

"Oh…do you guys see. This bitch is hungry for the D." He proclaimed. I locked eyes with him our noses touching. I slowly began to crawl over his lap making sure to knees him in the balls. Cartman shrieked as I settled comfortable between Kyle and Kenny. I would've sat on my second best friend here next to Vi, but the others already had the wrong idea about us so I figured I'd try to let the rumors die down a little. The driver turned back to us.

"Seat belts kids?" He explained. We all chattered before forcing Kyle to speak.

"There aren't enough seatbelts and we can't share. Cartman's too much of a lardo for us to fit let alone seat belt." Kyle explained. Cartmans usual rant began, the same shit we heard every time Kyle spoke. I sat watching them argue for the majority of the trip.

Vi and my fics were pretty much spot on. It had to be love, Kyman existed. If they didn't have unexplainable feelings for one another why did it matter what they thought? Or said for that matter.

I rolled my eyes as I became weary. I rested my head on Kyles shoulder causing Kenny to begin mumbling insanely about something I couldn't understand. I was focusing on mine and Vi's writing and how close we were. We shouldn't have been split up for this adventure, but I guess our fight had discouraged the guys from sending us to the same destination. Just as I thought I was at breaking point with Cartman and Kyle sniping at each other and Kenny scowling and muttering shit under his breath the driver turned and smiled.

"We're here kids." He announced. I instantly perked up. Finally out of this fucking death trap of a truck and away from these infuriating fucking boys. We piled out of the truck and stood before the drivers window.

"How can we ever repay your kindness?" Mysterion asked. The driven grinned wide and pervertedly.

"Well, I wouldn't say no to sexual favors." He announced. Thinking quick I stepped forth.

"Well hey there…" I began. He looked down at me confused.

"I am Incognita. I can see your deepest desires." I added. He nodded.

"I'm sure you can lil' lady." He groaned. I smiled.

"You're no better than a catholic priest, you're a fucking homo who likes little warm, supple boys asses. Also you like them with fight and a disgusting fucking attitude. Just so happens our friend The Coon is all you search for in a fuck. We'll trade you for him." I explained. The man nodded.

"What's your terms?" He quizzed. I laughed.

"We need to venture over the boarder to pick up some product we intend to administer to the people going through withdrawals once we get home, safe and sound to South Park. I propose we leave fat ass here alone with you for about an hour, you may use him as you deem fit. And yes that included fucking his jiggly, jello ass. Once we return you take us back to South Park and The Coon having fulfilled your desires leaves with us." I growled. The man glanced around the evening sky as he lost himself deep in thought. He nodded springing forward and extending a dirty hand.

"You got yourself a deal darlin'. Your psychic abilities were right on too. He looks like he's got a dirty mouth." The man stated licking his lips eyes locked on Cartman. I nodded.

"Well I'll be damned." Kyle said in shock as he regained the other boys attention.

"C'mon guys the sun is setting we don't have a moment to squander." Kenny announced as Mysterion, The Human Kite, Mosquito, Tupperware and myself walked deeper into the desert. I laughed as I heard Cartman screeching and struggling.

"He's in for some fun, if he farts on the way home he'll shit his pants." I stated causing the guys to laugh as we walked.

Our new plan of action now the Coon and his loud, fucking mouth and lust for power were out of the picture was anyone could lead, as long as they had a good idea we'd stop and listen and all we had to do was locate the coffee beans, steal some bags and get back to South Park. The coffee-pocalypse would soon be over, Cartman would soon need to sit on an inflatable doughtnut and this time tomorrow I'd be home in Canada, Vi my only ally as we reminisced about these adventures in moments of weakness. No matter how annoying the guys had become since I'd met them, they were crazily addictive. I didn't want to go home.

Butter's POV –

Oh geez, oh man oh geez. Letting Tweek steal his mom's van had been a bad idea, even though Stan claimed to know how to drive it. Timmy was happy to have called shot gun, and Vi seemed a little too eager to watch things unfold. With Tweek pushing petals and Stan driving, I was pretty sure we were gonna be dead by the end of this.

Sitting back seat made me panic something awful as we sped down the highway, Stan barking out directions to our leader.

"Ugh, we need to go faster!" Stan yelled, telling Tweek to press down on the gas.

Tweek growled, "Dude, we're going to get fucking arrested, man! I bet were already speeding!"

"Timmmay!"

I knocked my knuckles as I eyes all the coff-bies looming around. I closed my eyes as we swerved off the road, hitting a coff-bie, before getting back onto it.

"What the fuck Stan, you hit someone!" Tweek hissed.

"Sorry! I had to move my screw driver, it was stabbing me in...my man parts."

"Ugh, too much fucking pressure!"

Vi's POV –

Finally we arrived at the head office for mayor Hancock, and we wasted no time getting Timmy back onto his chair and bursting into the office. We darted towards the hallway that would lead us to our target.

The mission: find Hancock.

We all glared at the woman standing at the front of the desk, debating how to get around her.

Butters cackled as he pointed at me, "go my partner, teabag the enemy! Mwahahaha."

Shaking my head I unwrapped one of the plastic bags and debated how to do this. Shrugging, I leaped at the woman and threw the bag over her head, causing her to flail and scream.

"Go, go, erk, go!" Tweek growled as the group darted down the hallway, looking for a sign of where the man could be.

As the woman collapsed I threw my bad off her and pulled out the bottle of xanex, spiking her drink for when she woke up.

Following after the crew I saw Tweek practically foaming, "I smell it, I smell coffee, man!" he kicked down a door, glaring at the dark skinned man.

Our eyes widened as we noticed that he was lying on a pile of coffee beans, rolling around naked in Tweek's beloved product.

"Dude! What the hell!" Stan shouted.

I balled my fists, "why do you you have all the coffee! Why has it been banned from Colorado! Talk, or I'll xanex your ass!"

Timmy blocked the exit, causing Hancock to sweat.

He growled, "you're just a bunch of punks! Yea I stopped coffee from being imported, so what?"

"So what!" Tweek snapped.

Hancock smirked, "imagine, you take away the coffee and watch as the masses fall. Eventually i'll be the only one caffinated and i'll rule all of Denver, and then the world!"

"I'll fucking kill that son of a bitch!" Tweek hissed as I held him back, impressed that Mean Bean was living up to his name.

"You'll never catch me!" Hancock laughed.

Hancock darted to the other side of the room as a homicidal Tweek fought to get out of my grip. He was fiesty...and I wondered if he would be the same way inside of a bedroom.

"TIMMY!" Timmy shrieked as he rolled away from the front door where a car rammed into it. My jaw dropped as the body of an older man flew out through the windshield and smashed into the wall. He knocked into Hancock before hitting the wall. Instant death.

My eyes flew towards the driver, and Kenna sat behind the wheel of the pick up van, her eyes wide.

Mysterion pointed at the man, "Oh my god, you murdered the pedophile."

The Coon gave a growl, "about time, you fucking crazy bitch."

Kyle leaned out of the back of the truck and tossed Tweek a bag of 'the stuff.' Grinning, he ran to the nearest coffee maker and started himself a brew as the sound of sirens rang out.

Token groaned from somewhere, "the cops are after us guys."

"Just play innocent!" Kenna hissed while slumping over on Kenny's shoulder.

Tweek grabbed his long awaited cup of coffee and chugged his glass of black cuban roast, and gave a content shudder. Sitting on the hood of the car as cops filled the building and arrested the mayor after Stan and Cartman did some convincing.

Content, I walked over to the blonde.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but your one hell of a dom when you don't get your coffee. I like." I grinned, thinking I could appreciate this side of Tweek Tweak.

He gave me a smirk as I leaned against his side.

"So Tweek, what do you think about some sweaty, hot, Craigman as a pairing?"

He couldn't have spit his coffee out fast enough.


End file.
